Kellie’s Blog

I just put Emma Kelly down for the night. Man! That was a tough battle this evening! It’s so hard to put her to bed when it’s pretty much still broad daylight. But she needed it and MOMMY needed it, so after much effort, she’s finally down for good. She’s just SO delicious right now. She’s still hanging on to the “Die! Die! Die!” thing, but I’m trying not to encourage that so much any more. The cutest thing is when you ask her what a pig says. It comes out of her mouth like “Donk! Donk!” Absolutely adorable.

I have to confess. I went off my diet. I lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks and I don’t know if it was because I was celebrating my success or comforting myself because I wasn’t feeling well or if I was depressed because I went shopping for new jeans which sent me into a tailspin of darkness…The fact remains, I cheated on my diet. And I’m not a person who can just have one little bite of something forbidden. I have to have the whole freaking thing! I will eat it until it’s gone!! And then I beat myself up about it for a day or two and hopefully I’ll be able to get back on the straight and narrow. It’s only 2 more weeks until the final weigh in. Just two more weeks. But once the deadline has come and gone, am I going to go completely out of control?? Do I trust myself? CAN I trust myself???? It’s not even 9:00, but I need to go to bed before I do any more damage.

XO
Kellie

This has been a long, exhausting day. But before I lay me down to sleep, I wanted to write a little something something. I just feel like blogging. It’s like I just need to write all this down and get it out of my head so I can actually go to sleep without tossing and turning for an hour, which seems to be happening a lot lately. (And that’s why I EMBARRASSINGLY took a 3 hour nap on Sunday!!)

Kidd and I shared a little lunch today, and that was very cool. We’ve worked together for so many years, it’s like a little marriage and we need to nurture it with some one-on-one time every  now and then. I don’t know how much fun I was ordering my plain chicken breast and lettuce leaves, but he complimented me on how good I’m doing on my diet and it just made my pathetic lunch taste a whole lot better!  Thanks, Kidd!

So after that, I was too late for Pilates class, but that’s okay. I’ll pay for it in the makeup session Thursday, I’m sure! I ran home and got Emma Kelly to take her to the doctor. I was afraid she might be developing a bladder infection, so I’m assuming all mommies know what that means. I was either going to have to get her to tinkle in a plastic bag or the doctor was going to have to catheter her. Since I wasn’t feeling particularly sadistic toward my child today, I opted for the plastic bag. And Emma Kelly was so professional — she was doing her business in less than five minutes!! Only problem was, the plastic bag didn’t hold up its end of the bargain. So it was either try another plastic bag or the catheter. Again, I wasn’t feeling like putting my child through that torture, so we went for bag number two. I just started loading her up with juice and tried to keep her entertained in that tiny little medical room for TWO HOURS!!! Yes, it took TWO HOURS, but no catheter for my baby! And no infection, thank the Lord.

By the way, I know every parent thinks their child is the smartest child in the world, but listen to this! Emma Kelly is 18 months old and can identify all the letters of the alphabet (although Z keeps giving her a little trouble) and she can count to 10.  I give full credit to Nanny Laura because even I have still have trouble at times identifying all the letters of the alphabet……

After that, I was running late for a visit to Children’s Hospital to visit Taylor — 14 today and it was supposed to have been her very last chemo treatment!! But due to some scheduling problems, she now has one more treatment to go, but she’s in the home stretch, so YEA!!  So I showed up for her Cinco De Mayo Birthday Luau — yes, luau — and wished her a happy birthday and met all her friends, and then it was off to Freddy’s make-shift recording studio to record my “La la la la la” part over and over until he got something usable out of me. Thank goodness for those little tweaky buttons and knobs. He’s going to make me sound FABULOUS! And then finally at 8:30, I was able to come home and eat my ground chicken breast patty and tomatoes. Let me just tell you, after going 7 hours without food, that was the best damned meal I’ve had in a looooooong time!

And now that I’ve purged my brain, I’m off to bed.

XO
Kellie

I went shopping for shorts today because my old ones were getting too big. I bought three pairs of shorts and they were all size 10. YEA!! I’m a 10 in at least one sense of the word!! And since I’m blessed with the flattest butt on the planet, I managed to find all three with pockets on the back. Do you know how rare that is?? What a glorious day!!

Emma Kelly is going through a wonderful phase where she wants to cling to my neck. I adore that. And she kisses me with a big open mouth, like she wants to swallow me whole. I think she’s in love with me! Good thing, because I’ve been in love with her for quite some time now.

We did something fun this weekend. A couple of my neighbors decided it was a shame that none of us know each other, so they decided to throw a block party. On Friday, they went door-to-door handing out little homemade fliers and on Saturday evening, we just DID it. And it was so great! We met two of our  neighbors who were literally the first people to move into the neighborhood — one in 1957 and one in 1960!! There are people who’ve lived here for 30 years and some for just a year — and none of us have ever met. It was just so great to feel like I was really part of a neighborhood. I haven’t experienced that since I was a little kid, and I want that for Emma Kelly. Maybe in a couple months, I’ll organize a little something-something for the neighborhood, too. We need to keep this ball rolling! I’ll make Big Al get involved, too, because he’ll make interns come and bring karaoke. I think the neighbors would like that.

XO
Kellie

I have made a huge decision. I am removing “As The World Turns” from my season pass Tivo options. I will no longer record it. I will no longer watch it. I’m done. These people are boring me out of my mind and all I do is just fast-forward through ridiculous scenes involving characters I don’t care about talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.  I’m done. I’m just done. I officially have become — after all these years of commitment — a chick who doesn’t watch soap operas any more. And I’m thinking about deleting “The View,” too. I just can’t take it any more.  I’d rather sit and watch the same episode of “Blue’s Clues” with Emma Kelly for the fourth time than listen to those women prattle for one more minute. So! What am I going to do with all this free time now?

I want to do something creative and expressive. I don’t know what that will be, but I want to DO something. And I want to be good at it. I’m going to have to think on that a spell.

So we’re getting a group together to go out Friday night. Uncle Daddy’s got the itch and he’s rounding up the masses. Don’t know where we’re going, but I have a feeling my night will include dueling pianos at some point. All I know is, I can’t drink on this stupid diet — well, I CAN. I can have one 5-ounce glass of dry red wine if I’m willing to give up one of my two fruits for the day. I’m not sure I’m willing to do that…So I’m the official designated driver, and isn’t she always the fun one in the group. I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling the night’s not going to end pretty for me.

I busted my butt in pilates today and I barely have the strength to press the keys right now, so I think I’ll just end this here.

XO
Kellie

I am taking a break from my afternoon snack of apple slices sprinkled with a packet of Splenda and cinnamon — yum! — so I can write in my neglected little blog here.  I went for my weigh in today and — drum roll, please! — I’ve lost another 4 pounds! Now, I weigh in the exact same outfit every time and she always takes off 2 lbs for clothes, so it’s a true 4 pounds. Kelly up there has been so great. She gives me my shots in the butt and answers all my stupid questions and it’s just been really a good thing. Could I have lost this weight without doing Dr. TED? Maybe. WOULD I have lost this weight without doing Dr. TED? Probably not. It was the kick in the butt I needed.

My big concern is weighing at the KKITM studio on May 23. The scale they use up there weighs me 2 pounds heavier — 4 pounds if you don’t count off the 2 Kelly allows for clothes! So I’m going to haul my scale from home up there because it’s the scale I used when I started this diet and registered — what? — 154, I think. So I’ll use that one for the official weigh-in on the 23rd.

My other concern is getting used to really SEEING myself for the way I am. I’ve held on to that image in my brain of being the fat girl for YEARS, and it’s been my downfall every time. I have to get used to looking thin and feeling thin and BEING thin. It’s a whole new way of living and I’m going to do it!

My baby is calling me! Just woke up from her nap and I just finished off the last of my apple!

XO
Kellie

I have not cheated on my diet and I just wrapped up day 10!  Believe me, I am tempted!! I am REALLY tempted! I’ve been to a birthday party for twin one-year-olds, a Passover seder, a birthday dinner for my mother, and a sip-and-see for Amy’s new baby girl and I never faltered. I am so proud of myself I could spit!

I went walking for 30 minutes tonight all by myself — just me and my iPod. And it was fantastic. I kept skipping over to all the songs that made me feel like strutting my stuff, and that’s exactly what I did.  I WAS Stevie Nicks. I WAS Beyonce. I WAS Alanis Morissette. And I was FABULOUS! I visualized myself on a catwalk — on a stage — dancing down the aisle — running in slow motion on the beach. It was a complete out-of-body experience and I loved it. I hope for more of those.

I don’t know if there IS a perfect age, but I’m starting to think Emma Kelly has reached it. Eighteen months is just the BEST! She is so fun and she hugs so hard and she just wants to kiss everything and it’s just a perfect time in her little life right now. People keep telling me that we’re entering the best of the best — from now until about 2nd or 3rd grade. Then I hear it’s all pretty much downhill from there with little girls. I’m hoping they’re all just teasing me or that we’re going to be the exception to the rule. If she stays on this path and I miraculously don’t manage to screw this up, I might be on the right track to raising a pretty amazing person.

XO
Kellie

I have had 8 hours sleep……over the past two nights. I am so tired by the time I go to bed, but I just lie there and stare at the back of my eyelids or field drunken text messages from exes who are convinced — only when close to alcohol poisoning — that they are still in love with me. You’d be surprised how often that actually happens.

So I am tired. And I don’t like diet Coke with Splenda. And I bought a freaking case of it to get me thru this diet and my gag reflex kicks in when I start to think about it. So no more diet Coke with Splenda. I will donate it to a good cause, though. I don’t like cottage cheese with skim milk, either. Had that today. Bleh. I do like ground chicken breast made into burgers. I might just live off of them for a while. Those and boiled shrimp. These things I like. Diet Coke with Splenda? Avoid it. I’m not kidding.

By the way, I’m drinking Gold Standard 100% whey protein shakes in vanilla. I mix it with skim milk and find that it’s best if I just gulp it down like the medicine it is. I also learned that you shouldn’t take two of every herbal remedy to help alleviate what drinking 100% whey protein shakes obviously do to your system in one day. I paid for that today. Dearly.

Went to Kid Rock last night. Wasn’t a big fan before. Liked a couple of his songs and thought he was all right. But WOW! I really like him! His show is absolutely filthy and if he had to put a quarter in the cuss jar for every bad word he screamed, he would go through his massive rock star fortune in no time. But Uncle Daddy was in hog heaven and it was cute to watch. He seriously knows every single word to every single song ever recorded by Kid Rock. And he will prove it to you. Ask him.

I seriously have to go to bed now. It’s 9:30 and Freddy is supposed to be in the studio with us tomorrow morning and he’s pretty cute, don’t you think? I’m going to have to get a good night’s sleep so I can wake up early enough to shave my legs. The odds of him brushing across them at any point in the morning are slim to none, but you ladies know how it is…the minute you think you can get by without shaving, that’s EXACTLY what’s going to happen.

XO
Kellie

I gained a pound. It’s all my fault. I thought I could guesstimate what 4 ounces of fish would look like and apparently I was way off. But! I’m not panicking. I’m doing so great otherwise. I think I’ve gotten past the hardest part, which was just learning to say no. Being skinny means living a life of constant denial. I think I heard Michelle Pfeiffer say that one day.  Anyway, it’s not like I’ll NEVER get to have my mama’s Mexican corn casserole again. I just can’t have it NOW.  I think what I’m learning is that I need to live my life in balance –  mentally, physically, spiritually, intellectually.  I don’t think I’ve ever been able to pull that off before, but dang it! I think I can now! I’ve been reading that Eckhart Tolle book and I’ll be honest, A LOT of that stuff is way over my head. It’s one of those books where you find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over and over again and it still makes ZERO sense. But I read one sentence that leapt off the page at me and caused me to burst into tears — I am not the voice inside my head. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the idea. I am not the voice inside my head! It makes me want to cry right now just typing it!! That was truly a life-altering moment for me. But hey! I’ve still got a bet and potential tankini pictures hanging over my head, so I can deal with this diet thing for another 30 days — YES, I’M COUNTING! — and then I’ll try to work on this whole concept of ridding myself of ego. I can’t even explain what that means, but that seems to be what Eckhart is telling me to do. Hopefully I’ll become more enlightened as I delve further into this book.  Thanks, Oprah!

In the meantime, because I’m getting emails and MySpace messages and postings both positive and dreadful here, I’ll tell you what I’m eating, basically. I have a protein shake every morning with skim milk. I eat a couple melba toasts and a piece of fruit mid-morning. I have lean protein and a pile of veggies at lunch. Another couple of fat-free saltines and another piece of fruit mid-afternoon. More lean protein and veggies at night. I’m not really hungry, but it’s not even about that. It’s about wanting something crunchy and salty in my mouth. I really crave that.  And if I can conquer it in the next four weeks, I’ll be in good shape for the long haul.  

I am going to go zap a potential zit with my Zeno now.

XO
Kellie

Down to 149 this morning. First time I’ve broken the 150 barrier in quite a while!! I haven’t seen this number since the Mark Kevin Diet! I should still see about getting a patent on that….

But Jason Mraz just left — he’s so cool, isn’t he? Listening to him talk, though, makes me very, very sleepy. I can literally feel my pulse slowing as he speaks. I’ve already had my protein shake (bleh), 2 melba toast rounds, an orange, a bottle of water and now — as I type — a sickeningly sweet can of diet Coke with Splenda. I can only drink stuff sweetened with Splenda, which is VERY limiting. Hopefully I’ll start to crave this stuff like I do my two melba toast rounds.

Great to have Dianthe back!!! She’s being all sensible trying to lose her baby weight. She’s no stranger to the fad diets, but she’s giving Weight Watchers a shot. Good luck, Dianthe!!!

XO
Kellie

I binged perfectly for two days and now I can proudly say, I have made it three days post-binge without cheating even once!! I am already a little bored with broccoli, but that’s okay! I will figure out a way to mix things up enough to get me through this and I will stay on the path to victory! I admit that this diet thing is a HUGE pain in the butt. I had to go to Passover at a friend’s house and eat nothing but 100-year-old eggs (it’s a Jewish thing) and steamed asparagus. But I did it! And then I went to a birthday party for twin one-year-olds and ate nothing.  I just had my bottled water and went home later to eat my boiled shrimp and broccoli. Ugh. Why did I buy so much broccoli???

I never thought the day would come when I would be excited about eating the 2 melba toast rounds I’m allowed for my afternoon snack. But I get freaking excited about 2 stinking melba toast rounds now! And I fully appreciate the intensity of a really good orange. I can’t express to you the disappointment of knowing you’re only allowed that one orange and you get a sucky one.

I didn’t weigh myself after the binge days because I didn’t want to fall into a huge depression over the scale, but I stepped up there this morning and I was down to 150. Yea! It’s hard saying no to food when it’s so beautifully tempting and displayed right out in front of you, but it’s worth it to see the numbers go down on the scale. So far, so good.

My parents and I went to a friend’s house for Passover and it was really great. My friends aren’t the strictest Jewish people in the world and what may take some Jewish families three hours to sit through took us about 45 minutes, but it was still great experiencing something so spiritual and traditional and foreign to anything we’ve grown up with. And Daddy looked cute in his purple yarmulke! And that’s important, too, right?

Today I went out and bought a lounge chair so I can get out in the back yard for a few minutes every day and try to put some color on these whitey-white legs of mine. There’s a reason everybody’s all pale and white in their “before” pictures. They want to look as awful as possible and no exposure to sunlight seems to do the trick. But I’m not going to be that sickly pale girl in a tankini again this year!! I will have some color on my body! I’m not sure if it will be tan or red, but it will be color, dang it!!

I just took two Benadryl because of a bad allergic reaction to something in the air. My eyes are puffed up like red satin pillows and they itch like fire. I’m going to go to bed now and hope this wears off by tomorrow morning.

XO
Kellie