Here’s where I started.

September 7, 2008 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments



September 3, 2008 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments

I am so stinking tired. Probably the Xanax. But I must write. I must. I must.

I am in a bit of a funk, which I blame entirely on PMS and I will wallow in it for just the rest of this day because now I’m just MS.  I sat down on my bed yesterday and ate half a bag of Lay’s potato chips all by myself. The only reason I didn’t eat the whole bag is because I ate the first half the day before. Curse you, Super Target and your $1.88 potato chip special!!!

In addition to the super-sized Lay’s purchase, I decided to surprise Shanon and treat myself to the Cobra Starship CD. Only 2 left at this particular Super Target, so I snatched those babies up and threw them in my Super Target shopping cart. I noticed when I was paying for them that one of the wrappers was a little messed up, but figured it had just been handled too many times in the store. Decided to keep the messy one and give the pristine one to Shanon, since it was a gift and all. So I get home and open up my copy and it was EMPTY!!! I was so stinking pissed! Somebody managed to slip that CD out but leave the packaging on just enough to make it look like it was all good.

So after my last experience trying to return something at another fine retail establishment — oh, you remember the used DVD player I got that had porn in it, don’t you? They basically called me a liar and refused to take it back. So after that, I didn’t really have my hopes up too high when I went back to my precious Super Target today to try to explain my situation. I don’t know if I have an honest face or if I was just pathetic enough, but the woman didn’t even question me once about it. She totally had faith in me and in my story and she happily refunded my money. She says this has actually been happening quite a lot lately, so I’m not the only victim.  So YEA, SUPER TARGET!!! I love you now more than ever! And I love my boyfriend Gabe Saporta. I’m sure if he knew he was my boyfriend he would’ve just given me a free CD, but that’s not necessary now. Plus, I don’t want him to think I’m using him for free CDs.

Going to bed now. Love Xanax.


What a day, huh?

August 29, 2008 at 4:40 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 26 Comments

I felt so bad for Kidd today. I know how much he dreaded telling everybody that he and Carol are divorced now, but it just got to the point that he felt like it was time.  I think it was the right thing to do because dodging questions and acting like everything is fine when it’s not is an awful way to live. And like I told him, we shot ourselves in the foot a long, long time ago when we went with this whole “honesty” thing. We’re honest about the fun stuff, so we’ve got to be honest about the not-so-fun stuff, too. But sometimes, it’s necessary to hold off on the honesty just a little while.

Listening to him read his blog just left me feeling so compeltely drained. It sort of took me back to that day when I spilled my guts about my divorce on the air. It was a relief, but it’s like the relief you feel after you’ve been banging your head against the wall for a very, very long time. You suddenly stop and it’s like “Aaaaaaah…That’s so much better…” But then you’re left with the residual pain and the exhaustion because all that head-banging takes a lot of work. 

I asked Kidd to go to lunch today with a few of us from the show and with Emma Kelly because — let’s face it — who can’t be happy around Emma Kelly! But he declined. He just wanted to go home and be alone. I could see how tired he was. Emotional fatigue is so much worse than physical fatigue. So I didn’t argue with him. I just let him go home alone. I COMPLETELY understand the need to be alone — to shut your door and turn off your phone and crawl under the covers. While you know there are so many people who want to offer words of support and encouragement, you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want to hear ANYTHING. You just want to be left alone. With your dog. I need to get Kidd a dog. When he’s ready for sunlight again, he’ll come out. And I know he doesn’t believe it now, but life will be great again — even after divorce. There are lots of us who can testify to that.

I must have related a little too closely today because I pretty much forced Emma Kelly to go down for her nap an hour early because I just felt like I couldn’t move any more. I had to lie down and shut down for a while. Almost two hours later, she woke up, so I woke up. I plopped her in front of Elmo TV for a while because I felt like I need to write and get some of this out of my system. 

I’m so, so sad about this for Kidd and Carol and Caroline. It’s so hard to let go of the dream you had for your life. They’ve weathered through the absolute worst parts of it and I can honestly say that they all seem to be doing really good. I’ve tried to not take sides — and if you’ve ever been friends with a couple going thru something like this, you know how hard that is! Because even if neither one of them is bad-mouthing the other or demanding “Pick me!” you still sort of feel like you have to lean towards one of them. But neither one of them ever put me in that position. And neither one of them tried to paint the other in a bad light. It was just a sad, sad thing. While we all wish it could be different, it’s not. But I’m proud of them for the way they’ve ALL handled it — all three of them. And like Kidd said, the marriage ended, but it wasn’t a failure. They raised a really great daughter who has the world by the tail right now. Now MY marriage was a failure! We’re just working on having a successful divorce so we can raise a daughter as wonderful as Caroline has turned out!

I’m sure Kidd appreciates all your kind words, but understand if he can’t even deal with listening to all that for a little while.  Prayers are really good, too! I know I felt the power of those and I’m sure he will be able to feel them, too, so I would really like to solicit those on his behalf.

Thanks for all the love you’ve shown ALL of us on the show all these years, and especially now for Kidd.


Up down up down up down

August 28, 2008 at 8:37 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 25 Comments

My moods are all over the place lately. I sort of had a mini-meltdown night before last — just overwhelmed by this whole remodeling thing and wishing I’d never started it in the first place. And it was just made worse today when they’re two weeks behind schedule and I came home at 4:30 in the afternoon to find out that no one had been in the house the entire day. Another day lost. And we’re heading into the Labor Day weekend and I can only imagine when somebody’s going to show up again. And I know these guys don’t care that I’m trying to raise an almost 2-year-old in this mess. And I know they don’t care weve eaten practically every meal out of the house since the first of July. And I know they don’t care that we’re all living out of my master bedroom. And I know they don’t care if they’re 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months behind schedule. And I know they don’t care that I had to refinance my house to pay for these changes and that my bank account is slowly dwindling down to a big fat bunch of nothing. I know they don’t freaking care. BUT. When I come home at the end of a particularly long day, I’d like to be able to look around and notice that at least SOMEBODY has set foot in my freaking torn up house while I was gone all day!!!

That’s all I have to say about that. I know nobody reading this cares to hear me gripe about it, either. I am very blessed to have a roof over my head and a healthy child and that my month-long battle with the funk is slowly winding to a close. God is good. 

Emma Kelly truly is the light of my life. Truly. I love her more than anything in this world. I’d give my life for her. But Lord help me, I don’t know what to do about this “No!” thing that’s going on right now. I don’t want to beat her — that’s a lie. Sometimes I want to spank the fire out of her britches. But I really want to try every other alternative before I resort to putting my hand on her bottom. The only thing that seems to work is removing her from the situation. But you know what? Sometimes you just can’t remove her from the situation. So then what? She thinks it’s a game. First she yells at me, “No!” Then when I tell her mommy is not playing, she comes back with her cutest smile and a sing-songy, “Noooooo……” It’s all a big game to her. Honest to God, she is the best child ever, but it’s this one thing that’s making me feel like the biggest LOSER of a mother.

When my mama was here, she witnessed one of these episodes. My own mother scolded me, “Don’t you let her win.” Well, what am I supposed to do exactly, Mama?  You can only imagine my delight when the next day, Emma Kelly got into the same “No” battle with Grandmama. I looked at my mother — and yes, with a satisfied sneer smeared across my mouth — I said, “Don’t let her win.” It’s not as easy as it looks, people.

I’ve got to go watch the Democratic thing on TV now, I guess. Need to stay informed.




August 26, 2008 at 1:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

I want to take a nap SO bad right now, but they’re busy installing my kitchen cabinets — YEA!!!! They’re going to be SO beautiful! Next up on the To Do list — putting up the crown mouldings. Then I think they’re supposed to sand my floors, paint the cabinets, install the countertops and appliances, paint the walls, stain the floors, and I think that should finally be it! I am sweating bullets because they’re 2 weeks behind schedule and I have already booked “The Big Red Monster That Looks An Awfully Lot Like Elmo But Definitely Is NOT ELMO” for Emma Kelly’s 2nd birthday party, which will also serve as a “Come Look At What I Did To My House!” party. We are having that party at my house, come hell or wet paint, dang it! 

I’m a little upset that I haven’t heard from My Boyfriend Gabe Saporta. I don’t care that he isn’t fully aware that I’ve made him my boyfriend…But perhaps if I made My Boyfriend Gabe Saporta aware of his boyfriend status he would be in contact more often. Oh sure, My Boyfriend Gabe Saporta’s off on tour in Australia with his little Cobra Starship band, but come on! How much can a text message from another continent cost, really…Good thing I’m so trusting.  I know lead singers for rock bands don’t have the best reputation for being the most faithful of creatures, but I always give the benefit of the doubt. And until My Boyfriend Gabe Saporta gives me reason, I have no cause to doubt the faithfulness of the lead singer of a rock band I only met once for about an hour and who isn’t even aware that he’s in a committed relationship with me. 

Well, enough about my love life. I think I’m going to go try to lie down and take a nap anyway. I’m so tired from staying up at night coughing that I can probably sleep through any noise they can bang out.


Back to work tomorrow!

August 25, 2008 at 2:20 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I think my cough is finally winding down. I’ve been coughing the past two nights, but not badly enough where I had to get up to stop myself from choking. The puking has stopped, too. I’d like to thank all those who offered suggestions, sympathy and Xanax (you know who you are).  I was afraid I had broken a rib from coughing so hard the other night, but I went to my lovely chiropractor buddy Dr. Mary today and she told me I have sprained a floating rib and the muscles around it and that I should feel better in a week. That’s better than a broken rib, which would’ve taken 3 months to heal!!! But who knew we had floating ribs??? You learn something new every day…

Emma Kelly ate her first bug today — that I know of.  Mama tells me stories of how I used to eat cigarette butts and sit in the refrigerator, so I’m not really too shocked by Emma Kelly’s behavior. She sure is a stubborn little thing, but again — not shocking considering where she came from.  But Mama tells me I was worse, so I just appreciate what little bit of aggravation that child gives me.

I booked “Elmo” for her second birthday party, only we can’t call him “Elmo.” He’s a fuzzy red monster who looks remarkably similar to Elmo, but he’s DEFINITELY NOT ELMO. I hope she loves him. Quite honestly, I’d be perfectly content to never see another episode of “Elmo’s World.” I swear they only made six episodes and just run the same ones over and over. It’s ridiculous when I get more excited than Emma Kelly when an episode I haven’t seen seven times before pops up on the TV screen!

Well! It’s my mama’s last night with me before she heads home to Daddy. I need to go snuggle up with her for a while before bedtime. Talk to you in the morning!


*cough* *cough*

August 22, 2008 at 2:54 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I finally got my blood test results back. A big bunch of negative, which is what I’m sure most people expect, right? Even my BLOOD TESTS are negative!! What’s up with that?? Anyway, the good doctor thinks whatever infection I had just led to inflamed lungs and the dust from all the remodeling in my house has just made it a billion times worse. So basically, all he can do is give me a shot in the butt and that ought to do it. WHAT?? Why didn’t this butt shot come up three weeks ago??? I haven’t had one single solid night’s sleep since the onset of this thing! So I got the shot today and I’m hoping for the best as I lay me down to sleep on this blessed night.

I hope you all are having a wonderful week. My mama and I picked out my couches and paint color for the living room today. The hardwoods are all down and I think the next thing on the agenda is the cabinetry. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel!!

Oh! And I had my second date with the “Grand Canyon.” I coughed through a good part of it and sucked on Hall’s cough drops most of the night, but he didn’t seem to mind so much and even said something about going out again. This is good! We went to see “Tropic Thunder. ” It was a funny movie, but we both agreed that it just wasn’t as good as we wanted it to be. Oh well. At least he bought me Raisinettes!!


Yes, it’s me. I’m writing on vacation.

August 19, 2008 at 2:26 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

I didn’t go anywhere for vacation, but my mama’s here helping me figure stuff out with my remodeling project. Today we decided that the couch I originally wanted was just way too expensive, so I’m getting one for roughly half the price that will probably look twice as nice. Thanks, Mama! Tomorrow we’re going to try to finalize my bedspread selection so we can go start picking paint colors. The DRAMA.

I still don’t know what I’ve got. The doctor called Friday to tell me my chest X-rays are clear. But the blood test results weren’t due back until Monday, so he said he’d call me then. Monday has now come and gone with no phone call, so I’m guessing I’m not dying, at least. I’m still coughing along and my ribs are really sore, but I’m alive!! I’m alive!!

My coughing fit date is back from his trip to the Grand Canyon. You know what? I think he was telling the truth! He actually asked me out again and we’re going to dinner and a movie tomorrow night. I can’t believe he wants another date after the first night’s disaster, but I’ll just load up on as much cough syrup as I can handle while remaining sober and just hope for the best. Or maybe he’d prefer me high….It’d probably make for a funner date. Funner?


Is it whooping cough???

August 14, 2008 at 11:49 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments

Big Al said it as a joke, but I think he just might be right about me having the whooping cough! I feel embarrassed just saying I have it — like I’m about to start a plague or something. But I looked it up on the internet — which I KNOW you’re not supposed to trust — but I swear I had every stinking symptom listed. Starts out like you have a bad cold…then you get a low grade fever…then the coughing starts, mild at first…then you can go for quite some time with no coughing until suddenly you’re seized by a coughing fit that leave you choking and heaving so violently that you might even vomit. THAT’S SO ME!! And the WORST part is, the internet says it can last 3 weeks to 3 MONTHS and there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO BUT LET IT RUN ITS COURSE!!! PLEASE tell me this internet article was written in the early 1800s and they’ve developed a cure since then!!

I called my doctor and he sent me in for chest X-rays and blood work. I guess I’ll know something tomorrow. But until then, I feel like Typhoid Mary and I want to avoid everybody I know. But there are few people I don’t care so much for I’m thinking about calling for cocktails…  

My mama is flying in tonight and she’s going to help me pick out a new couch and all my paint colors and I’m so happy she’s able to do that for me. Well, Freddie just brought Emma Kelly back and she’s got a runny nose and fever. Now here comes my guilt that I gave her this thing…….


Postcards from the Grand Canyon

August 13, 2008 at 2:54 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

So my coughing-fit date emailed me a couple of pictures from his trip to the “Grand Canyon.” Whatever. He can keep up this ruse as long as he likes. I don’t know how to do it, but I know there are people out there who can photoshop themselves into the Grand Canyon if they want to! He’s not coming back…

So my friend Christy decides if she’s in a relationship, I have to be in a relationship, too. She’s happy, so dang it, she’s going to make me happy right along with her. But the thing is, I’m really fine. Really! I’m kind of good with this dating around thing. If it starts getting serious, I can just pull back on the reins, pump the breaks, slow my roll, or do whatever else I can’t think of right now that stands for stopping things before they get too darned complicated. But none of that matters. Christy thinks I’m full of crap and just telling myself I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now because I don’t think I’m capable of being in a successful relationship right now. She thinks I’m protecting myself by lying to myself because, let’s face it — don’t we all truly want to find our one true love? Okay, so whatever. So she brings out her guy to meet me and show him how fabulous I am so he can set me up with his single friend because — in her mind — since he happens to be single and I happen to be single, we are OBVIOUSLY meant for one another. Within five minutes her boyfriend tells me I’m too negative and that his goal in life is to see me ebullient.  I told him to pick another word for it because “ebullient” sounds like “fat” to me, and even though I know “ebullient” doesn’t mean “fat” it just SOUNDS fat. Anyway. Now I feel all bad because he thinks I’m negative, but that’s only part of who I am. Right?

I ought to just let them set me up with this guy anyway because I’m sure he could also use a trip to the “Grand Canyon.”


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