I forgot….

July 22, 2008 at 3:08 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

I’m sorry. I forgot to ask Ben to show me how to do pictures on here. I’ll try to remember to do that tomorrow. I used to be able to, but something’s different now. Maybe it’s me.

My mind is in a million different places. I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now which is a very, very bad thing. When I become overwhelmed by emotions or work problems or finances or relationships or just anything — when I feel like things are spiraling out of control — that’s when I am tempted to revert to my old, dirty secret life of bingeing and purging. When I was a teenager and in my 20s, it was the only thing that made me feel centered and relieved. It makes absolutely no sense, I know, and if you’ve never suffered from it, you cannot begin to understand why eating out-of-control gives you a sense of control. But it’s like you’re out of your mind and out of your own body as you fill yourself up to the point of sickness and then there’s this big release and you come back into yourself and experience such a sense of relieft. It’s an awful, awful thing and like I said, I’m TEMPTED. But I have a daughter now and I have to be here for her and I can’t be playing around with that stuff anymore. 

Didn’t mean to go there, but I don’t really have anything that light-hearted to share tonight. I will end, though, by telling you how adorable Emma Kelly is. She calls juice “goosey” and she has her third swim lesson tomorrow and she tries to break my nose on a daily basis by slamming her head into my face and she loves  her binky and her bunny. I also think she’s ready to begin potty training because she’s starting to tell me — after the deed has been done in her diaper — that she needs to go. There is no part of me that’s ready for her to  become a “big girl” but I know it’s got to happen. I’d be happy to continue changing her diapers for as long as necessary, but she IS getting a little too big for the diaper changing stations in public restrooms….Half her body is dangling over the edge. Granted, she’s really tall for her age, but still….

XO
Kellie

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12 Comments »

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  1. hey kellie! i have never responded to any type of blog type thing, but so compelled to do so. you are so lovely and entertaining and i didn’t know this aspect of your life. it is something i totally relate to. i suffered with bullemia for about 4 years starting my second year of nursing school. it is amazing how what you wrote is exactly what i felt as recently as saturday. btw, tell al that i will be in playa 8-20 – 08-27 and will see him at the bucket. your stress is temporary. don’t get caught up in the rush of an easy fix. love you kellie.

  2. Hey Kellie,

    I’ve never been in your shoes as far as the binge/purge eating, but I do binge eat anytime I am stressed or depressed. The only thing that I’ve found that helps is not to think of everything that is going on and how I am going to get through the next day – I think in terms of hours. Let me get through the next hour and then I’ll tackle the next. I’ve also found that finding a distraction is a HUGE help – lately, going to the gym and just hitting the treadmill has been a great distraction and it has the added benefit of being good for me. I know that this probably is no help, but it’s just how I handle it. 🙂

  3. I think you’re brave to put these feelings out here. Sharing them, instead of keeping them on the inside is a sure way to overcome! Keep up the great attitude, and I hope all things that are stressing you out subside soon.
    PS – EK is the cutest thing ever – I just want to kiss those sweet little cheeks!

  4. Kellie,
    I easily get overwhelmed with my life everyday. My husband always keeps me calm by telling me just take it one day at a time, thats all we can do. It seems to help once I stop thinking of everything all at once. Hang in there!! I also know how it feels to see your child grow up so fast. My son is starting kindergarten in August and my other son just learned to walk. I love hearing you guys everyday-you make my morning!

  5. Its not really a secret now is it?

  6. Hi Kellie,
    I think it is really important that you are okay with sharing your thoughts with us. At least you are aware of the issue and you consciously make efforts to change and not fall back in those patterns or ruts. Good for you! Keep up the positive outlook and understanding of yourself!

    Thank you!
    Sharon

  7. Hang in there – you are definitely not alone in this. I have been there with you and had a hard time last year after some fertility issues. Learning to give up control is hard – I will be sending good thoughts your way.

  8. Kellie, there are so many ppl out there that have suffered or ARE suffering from bulimia. Some of them don’t even know that what they are doing is considered an eating disorder. I know exactly where you are coming from about the vicious cycle spinning out of control. I commend you on speaking about this, and I hope you can keep beating this demon. Love you much.

  9. I know what you’re feeling. I had the same habit for about 10 years and then I became pregnant. It was the one thing that put a complete halt on it all. I cannot believe how much time I wasted obsessing over food… and now, I can completely understand what you mean when you say you’re going to fight it for your daughter. Keep strong. It’s not worth falling back into it for just a temporary moment of relief. Thank you for sharing with us.

  10. Oh Kellie, I hate that your having those feelings. I hope you know how much you are loved by everyone around you, including your listeners. Hang in there, and try to remember “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”. Things that seem so important today are rarely as urgent a week or two later, you know? Love ya!

  11. Kelly,
    I struggle with the same internal conflict when it comes to bulimia. I will feel it coming on..the anxiousness…the need to binge. Now that I am aware of when it happens I call someone..quick and tell them what I am feeling and what I am tempted to do. It’s usually my husband I call and he’ll tell me to go for a walk, go do something other than go to the house. A walk or working out helps me as well as telling someone else. It makes me more aware of what I am feeling and that I need to find a better way to deal with it. Hang in there!

  12. There is no way I can post anything negative on here after hearing that. All I want to do is give you a big hug, and tell you that I am proud of you for admitting what I knew.

    I also would like for you to remember that eating disorders are something you will have to battle the rest of your life in some fashion. Take it from someone who knows.

    I am praying for you. Please see someone to get this under control for that gorgeous daughter of yours, (my daughter was the reason that I got help for mine) the people who love you, and most of all for yourself.

    You are beautiful just the way you are, and you deserve to be happy. Just let yourself be!


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