delicious word of the day — “margarita”

February 12, 2008 at 2:03 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 30 Comments

I honestly forgot about all the drama from Friday night until Al dragged in looking so worn, torn and forlorn this morning. I figured it was because of Bartendica, but I had no idea I had a good chunk to do with it. I’d completely forgotten about my text message tirade until I searched for it and there it was staring at me in the face. Yeah, my feelings were hurt. He was leaving me at the club — and even though he was well within his right to do so, it made me feel left out.

My wellness coach and I actually  had a long talk the other day and I recognized something about myself that I think I’ve always known, but never really realized how much of a problem it is for me. I don’t like being excluded from pretty much anything.  I always make the half-joke to Kidd after an event passes, “I wouldn’t have gone anyway, but it’s just nice to be invited.” Well, maybe I WOULD’VE gone. That’s something I will never know because I wasn’t invited.

I want to be in on everything. I want to be in on the secret. I want to be on the guest list. I want to be part of the girls’ club. I want to be part of the boys’ club. I guess if I break it all down, being invited or “in” on something just means I’m being accepted. Huh…..Look at me having a little epiphany as I type.

So I really went overboard and flew off the handle at Big Al because maybe he was just the last in a long line of rejections I’ve had to deal with. And yes, I’ll go ahead and mention Mark Kevin here because you’re thinking it and I’m thinking it so I’m typing it and there you have it.  I really took his rejection super hard. I had to hire a freaking WELLNESS COACH to help me cope with that rejection. What the hell is WRONG with me that I have to hire a wellness coach to get over an email love affair???

But not wanting to be rejected is not a concept that is exclusive to me. Show me the person who loves rejection right now, dang it! Everybody wants to be accepted. But I guess I need to just learn to accept that I don’t HAVE to be included in everything. I don’t HAVE to be accepted by everybody. And if somebody doesn’t want to hang out with me or doesn’t want to love me or whatever — I have to be okay with that.  I can’t let that tear me down because I have to figure out a way to make their rejection of me about them and not me. Wow. I have to wrap my brain around that one, but I think I sort of get it.

And now! On to Maroon 5! I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY ARE COMING TO OUR STUDIO!!! Is it ridiculous to be freaked out about it? I honestly haven’t even given that much thought to Adam Levine before because, quite frankly, I never thought I would cross that man’s path. And it’s not like I think anything is going to happen between me and Adam Freaking Levine, but dude! I’m going to be standing in the same room with him and sucking in all the air he exhales and I have GOT to go on my massive Maroon 5 Makeover plan immediately so I can at least feel worthy of standing in that man’s presence! I think I’ll model my makeover after the number 5, in honor of the obvious.

I will eat 5 times a day, consuming a combination of 5 fruits and vegetables. I will work out at least 5 days a week — walking, running, and/or elliptical training at least 5 miles per session for at least 5 total hours.  I will even compliment myself 5 times a day. That’ll be good for the ego, right? And I fully expect to lose 5 pounds by the time that preciousness Maroon 5 walks in our studio, which gets me back down to where I was after the Mark Kevin diet.  And I will officially start this new plan tomorrow.

See, I would’ve started today, but I sort of already screwed that up super royally because I felt so bad about that whole thing with Big Al that I took him out on a little late afternoon margarita and bucket o’chips date. Not exactly on the Maroon 5 Makeover plan.

XO
Kellie

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  1. Ms. Kellie – you worry too much about EVERYTHING!! Do some Y-O-G-A!!! Find your center, find your happy place. You are a fantastic person!!!! You’re a good mother and it sounds like a great friend. BE positive and stop being so mean to yourself all the time! Great things are right around the corner for you. Just believe it and it will happen for you. You deserve it.

  2. I love you Kellie, You make woman sound normal. NO matter what others say we all have the same insecurities that you do you just voice them. I commend you and think that you give others hope that we are not alone. Wanting to be “in” or included is what makes us as women happy. Not being included does hurt and make us lash out at people we love without really thinking about it first. But hey we are women and thats what we do; we say before we think sometimes. I hope that you continue to try to stay positive. It’s okay to fall off the wagon sometimes but it’s how long you stay off; one or two days is okay but five or six is not. Remember that when you want to wallow in self pity sometimes. Take that day wallow and then take a bath that night and wash it all away. Love you, keep being you.

    Lots of Love and Prayer

  3. This morning during the whole situation on the air about the Friday night deal, what you have figured out is exactly what I was thinking…and I can understand how you felt about it. It wasn’t that anybody did anything in particular that hurt your feelings…it was just that you wanted/needed to have your friends around you on Friday night and so you called them all up to gather them all around to hang out. When you’re the one planning an event, you want it to go smoothly of course. When it doesn’t, and it seems like others have more important things to do, it hurts your feelings. Why? Because there are some people who have the gift of organizing “hang outs” and everybody comes running and has a great time. Sometimes, that doesn’t work out so well.

    Especially when you’re been in a funk like you have been it just makes it 10 times worse. You wanted to get YOUR group together and hang out. Unfortunately life isn’t like it is on Friends where the 6 of you are only friends with each other. Your friends where hanging out with their other friends. Which unfortunately left you as the singular person left alone. That situation hurts so much more when you’re already dealing with a bunch of junk.

    BTW, did Al even realize that he was on camera during the Top Five video? He didn’t look like it lol

  4. Kellie you are a cool chick you just gotta believe it too 😉

  5. “I don’t like being excluded from pretty much anything. I always make the half-joke to Kidd after an event passes, ”I wouldn’t have gone anyway, but it’s just nice to be invited.” Well, maybe I WOULD’VE gone. That’s something I will never know because I wasn’t invited.

    I want to be in on everything. I want to be in on the secret. I want to be on the guest list. I want to be part of the girls’ club. I want to be part of the boys’ club. I guess if I break it all down, being invited or “in” on something just means I’m being accepted.”

    I knew I connected with you for some reason, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
    I have extreme issues and I think it mostly boils down to this pathological need for acceptance and understanding. Why do I need validation from others to feel worthy? I am pleased that I finally recognise this but I am also frustrated that I can’t seem to overcome it.

  6. Kellie…big al…or tiny man al…was acting like a manpon…NO man…not even viking men treat their lady friends with such disregard…whilst, yes…you are a walking psych thesis, the actions and subsequent reactions speak volumes on his character…or lack of true character.

  7. margaritas and a bucket o’chips???…wtf…first…what real man drinks margaritas???…and why must you now behave like the man in this “relationship”?!?…and if dude loves you only after a “makeover” you do not need his pathetic vain ass in your life.

  8. Kelly – I think you have to learn to love yourself. It’s so hard for someone who grew up with self esteem problems to learn to love themselves. They either focus on loving their success, money, looks, weight…but never really loving who they are with all that stripped away. Only then will you be able to be ok with being left out, not needing approval or attention from others. I think the fear of being alone is not because we don’t want to be lonely, it’s because we are afraid to be alone with ourselves. When you’re alone the only thing to focus on is who YOU are. That can be scary, especially if we don’t love who we really are.

  9. I like to be included also and start thinking crazy thoughts if I’m not. I can relate!! But I’ve realized that 9 times out of 10, I turn invitations down which only leads to less invitations. Then I’m left wondering what happened to all those invitations I use to get. I’m my own worst enemy.

  10. Kelly I think that alot of women feel the same as you. I get my feelings hurt easily also. I just don’t voice it so loudly to the one thats doing the hurting. Friends say that I say what I think, but apparently they don’t know you. I try to be the better person most of the time. Yeah I’ve avoided a phone call or 2 because the person calling me didnt answer when I tried calling them earlier. I know thats wrong, but hey I said I try most of the time. It will all be ok.

  11. Find something to do to occupy your mind. It will all be ok.

  12. the secrets of the Viking
    1. DRIVE. Vikings have a strong desire to work hard and long. They’re willing to give all they’ve got to a project. Develop your drive by focusing on your future success, and keep going.
    2. COURAGE. It takes courage to do things others consider impossible. Stop worrying about what people will think if you’re different.
    3. DEVOTION TO GOALS. Geniuses know what they want and go after it. Get control of your life and schedule. Have something specific to accomplish each day.
    4. KNOWLEDGE. Vikings continually accumulate information. Never go to sleep at night without having learned at least one new thing each day. Read. And question people who know.
    5. HONESTY. Vikings are frank, forthright and honest. Take the responsibility for things that go wrong. Be willing to admit, ‘I goofed’, and learn from your mistakes.
    6. OPTIMISM. Vikings never doubt they will succeed. Deliberately focus your mind on something good coming up.
    7. ABILITY TO JUDGE. Try to understand the facts of a situation before you judge. Evaluate things on an opened minded, unprejudiced basis and be willing to change your mind.
    8. ENTHUSIASM. Vikings are so excited about what they are doing, it encourages others to cooperate with them. Really believe that things will turn out well. Don’t hold back.
    9. WILLINGNESS TO TAKE CHANCES. Overcome your fear of failure. You won’t be afraid to take chances once you realize you can learn from your mistakes.
    10. DYNAMIC ENERGY. Don’t sit on your butt waiting for something good to happen. Be determined to make it happen.
    11. ENTERPRISE. Vikings are opportunity seekers. Be willing to take on jobs others won’t touch. Never be afraid to try the unknown.
    12. PERSUASION. Vikings know how to motivate people to help them get ahead. You’ll find it easy to be persuasive if you believe in what you’re doing.
    13. OUTGOINGNESS. I’ve found Vikings able to make friends easily and be easy on their friends. Be a ‘booster’ not somebody who puts others down. That attitude will win you many valuable friends.
    14. ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. Vikings are able to effectively get their ideas across to others. Take every opportunity to explain your ideas to others.
    15. PATIENCE. Be patient with others most of the time, but always be impatient with your self. Expect far more of yourself than others.
    16. PERCEPTION. Vikings have their mental radar working full time. Think more of others’ needs and wants than you do of your own.
    17. PERFECTIONISM. Vikings cannot tolerate mediocrity, particularly in themselves. Never be easily satisfied with your self. Always strive to do better.
    18. SENSE OF HUMOR. Be willing to laugh at your own expense. Don’t take offense when the joke is on you.
    19. VERSATILITY. The more things you learn to accomplish, the more confidence you will develop. Don’t shy away from new endeavors.
    20. ADAPTABILITY. Being flexible enables you to adapt to changing circumstances readily. Resist doing things the same old way. Be willing to consider new options.
    21. CURIOSITY. An inquisitive, curious mind will help you seek out new information. Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t know it all. Always ask questions about things you don’t understand.
    22. INDIVIDUALISM. Do things the way you think they should be done, without fearing somebody’s disapproval.
    23. IDEALISM. Keep your feet on the ground — but have your head in the clouds. Strive to achieve great things, not just for yourself, but for the better of mankind.
    24. IMAGINATION. Vikings know how to think in new combinations, see things from a different perspective, than anyone else. Unclutter your mental environment to develop this type of imagination. Give yourself time each day to daydream, to fantasize, to drift into a dreamy inner life the way you did as a child.

  13. I absolutely love reading your blog Kellie, I can totally relate to so much of it and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one that needs acceptance but you are right we need to not dwell on parties/events, etc. that we weren’t invited to or people who don’t want to hang out with us…..”Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we might as well dance!!!”

  14. hi kellie
    glad you are enjoying eat pray love….it truly is a wonderful book.
    you’ve got quite the blog here. i was reading your word of the day “merengue”, where you listed all the things you want…you may find that the universe will respond perfectly to your request and provide you with all of the want you can handle. i learned that i have to be very clear about any requests i make. want is want no matter how you cut it…somewhat unfulfiling.
    blessings
    richard from texas

  15. Craig,are you saying Kellie should strive to be a Viking or Big Al?? Or both??

  16. I have a Maroon 5 makeover for you.
    I have a shake regiment that works quick. Check out the website and see what you think. I have lost 3.5 lbs in 3 days and 4 inches. My coworker has lost 20lbs and 28inches in 41 days. It has an energy booster and lots of vitamins that help you make it through the day without a lot of caffine.
    http://www.jessicabailey.isagenix.com

  17. Molly…we should ALL strive to be Vikings…though…sadly…many are called…but only few can muster the intestinal fortitude…Kellie would be the PERFECT wife of a Viking.

  18. Cindy…how wuzzzzzzzzzzzzz up?!?

  19. Richard, you sound like a really nice guy. Do you perhaps live anywhere near the Dallss/FW area where Kellie lives?

  20. Me thinks Richard from Texas is already taken. According to Oprah & Eat Love Pray

  21. Kelly, you can really say some cruel things about people. You mentioned this morning that you couldn’t believe that actor that was engaged to Alanis Morrissette was actually with her. Like she was too ugly to attract a cute guy. You really need to look at yourself. Freddie was a gorgeous guy, and he married you! Did you ever think about that?

  22. OMG CRAIG….Do you have ANYTHING else to do besides post comment after comment on Kellie’s blog? Geez, GO AWAY and GET A LIFE.

  23. Craig – It looks like I was talking to myself over on Al’s blog. Did your comment disappear?

  24. P.S. I agree with Molly. 🙂

  25. You would think after working and being in the same room for almost 10 yrs Al & Kidd would understand you a little better. I know that’s asking for too much but they should know you would be upset for being stood up.
    Sheesh!
    We can all relate to wanting to belong and to be included. Anyone that says they don’t care what anyone thinks is usually lying about that. If you didn’t care then you wouldn’t have said it outloud in that type of statement.
    Kellie it’s really refreshing to read your blog because you really do put yourself out there to us. Not many people would admit to having those thoughts and feelings. One of the many reasons I love the show and I truely am a big fan of yours.

    Please remember that you are not alone with all those thoughts and feelings and that you have so many people that would love to invite you to their event.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  26. Anika…the man is always try’n to keep a good viking down.

  27. Kellie…you should have given big al a bouquet of pansies…your needless apology has set your self esteem back 5 years.

  28. heyyyy Craiggggggg……How’d your dinner turn out you cooked?

  29. You ROCK, Kellie! It must be so hard to put your thoughts and feelings out there for God and everyone to read, but I am SO glad you do it! I feel the same way you do about so many things and its comforting to know someone else feels that way too.

    I used to want to be invited to everything all the time too, and would get all mad and defensive when I would find out something went on without me. Now I realize I most of the time I wouldn’t have wanted to go, or that I was doing something else that night anyway, so no big deal.

  30. Lindsey…so good she made me breakfast!!!


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