delicious word of the day — “Gnip Gnop” (remember that game???)

January 29, 2008 at 3:43 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 27 Comments

I am so freaking TIRED. I started off the day fabulously. I stepped up on that scale and found that after one day of super fooding, I lost the 4 pounds of water or salt or martini or cheese puff or whatever-the-heck-it-was weight I’d gained over my alcohol and food-fueled Friday and Saturday nights. So that was a good thing. Today, though, I succombed to the loveliness of a lunch that was pork ribs, cole slaw, and fresh-out-of-the-oven peach cobbler. Sorry. I’ll take that over hemp seeds and seaweed jerky any day! But in order to compensate, I did a full hour of pilates and then 45 minutes on the elliptical. And I did go back on the hemp seeds and incan berries (although I skipped the seaweed…sorry!) for supper tonight. If that four pounds is back on that scale in the morning………………well, I just won’t WEIGH in the morning. Avoidance is sometimes a good thing.

I do believe I’m climbing out of the slump I was in. My life/wellness/pilates coach even noticed it today. She actually told me that — gasp! — I was a PLEASURE to train! What??? I have the worst attitude about working out EVER!! I have literally slumped to the floor and CRIED in front of a trainer before! And now, I’m a freaking PLEASURE!!! If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. I’m even seriously considering taking my yoga mat with me on our fabulous trip to the Bahamas and doing my pilates there. I’m on a roll now and I’ve got to keep up the momentum. 

I was just telling somebody today that yes, I’ve been going through a huge depression. I think I had just stuffed a lot of emotions and anger down deep inside of me for a while because, quite frankly, I didn’t have time to deal with it until recently. I was too busy getting on with the business of being a new mommy. And don’t they say that anger turned inward is depression?  I think mine was just finally manifesting itself. And you know how everybody kept telling me how stupid I was to be depressed and how they were yelling at me to snap out of it because I have such a wonderful life? Nope. That didn’t help so much. In fact, that sort of made it worse because YES, I do realize I have a beautiful, fabulous, amazingly well-tempered daughter, and YES, I have a wonderful job a lot of people would give their right arm for, and YES, I have a roof over my head and an SUV in the driveway and a little money in the bank and life should just be a bowl of pitted cherries, right? Logically, you KNOW you have no reason to be depressed, which only makes you feel that much WORSE about yourself. Depression isn’t always a logical thing. And then I was hit with some back-to-back emotional whammies which were literally making me physically ill until I found myself sitting in my doctor’s office with him handing me business cards for wellness coaches and psychotherapists.  I passed on the psychotherapist because I know me well enough to realize that this was just something temporary and that I was just going to have to live through it. And I did. I lived through it. I lived in it. Hell, I wallowed around in it! But now, I think I’m pretty much done with it. Who wants to live sad every freaking day? So that’s pretty much that. But if I’m not depressed anymore, will I still be interesting? I don’t know. It’s a huge quandary for me.  I know you think I’m kidding about that, but I’m not. People complain when I’m spitting out scorn and disdain, but they’re absolutely BORED if I’m tra-la-la-ing about how blissful and serene my life is. A quandary, I tell you…a quandary.

XO
Kellie

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27 Comments »

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  1. Kellie–any news on Dianthe??? She hasn’t updated her blog since Friday!

  2. Nevermind–just noticed she updated 🙂

  3. Kellie…address your issues…confront them all…if you are upset about your divorce, do not seek a man to fill the void…you want revenge Kellie???…be happy…the best revenge is living a successful and happy life…forgive the F**K for leaving you…really forgive him…then and only then will you begin to reap the rewards of true happiness.

  4. will you still be interesting you ask?!?…WHY on Gods green earth are you looking for the acceptance and opinions of people that matter not???…does not your daughter love you with unconditional love???…does not the God you profess to have faith in not love you???…the opinions of the mindless masses matter not.

  5. ya’ all do NOT know what pork & ribs are until you tried Rudy’s BBQ…Rudy recently passed away, but his spirit lives on with his recipes for tastiness.

  6. Kellie you are a beautiful woman with a great personality don’t let a number on a scale weigh in on your happiness. Also don’t let people make you feel bad about being depressed; everyone has bad times in their life you just need to keep the good friends close to you and let them help you with the situation. I hope you feel better I know when I feel down all I have to do is look at my beautiful daughter and I know everything will be alright. She’s my angel and she keeps me sane. Well I hope your days get better.

  7. as any true viking child would, i played with my rock’m sock’m robots…but on the rare occasion…i enjoyed: dont break the ice and mouse trap.

  8. Kellie, unless someone has been in your shoes or has suffered from depression, they will never truley understand. Especially men. It is hard for men to understand because they want to “FIX” it and think you should be able to “SNAP outta of it”. Hang in there and keep going to your wellness coach, etc……..

  9. For the love of God, PLEASE choose another word other than FREAKING. You are not twelve. It’s not that cute! STOP!!

  10. YUMMM…. BBQ………and another round of good advice Craig…. Just don’t get the “Big Head”…:)

  11. Kellie – I am so FREAKING happy for you!! It always feels FREAKING good to crawl out of a hole! or at least part way. Keep FREAKING doing what you are doing. No one wants to be FREAKING sad everyday I agree. It feels so FREAKING great to wallow in self pity but even more FREAKING great to come out of it. Be FREAKING feirce today!!
    Hope the FREAKING monitor does not get me.

  12. Kellie,

    I agree with Vanessa, unless someone has been there no one can tell you how you should handle your life. This is something you can’t just’snap out of’ or ‘deal with’. You are doing the best you can and only you know what you are going through emotionally. From someone who has dealt with depression, I give you ‘kudos’ for putting it all out there and letting us be a part of your life. You are a FREAKING awesome person who loves her daughter and only wants the best out of life.
    I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers and know that things will get better and better for you. You and Emma Kelly deserve the very best! Hang in there Kellie your fans love you and only want what is best for you!
    Have a FREAKING great day!!! =)

  13. i just knew oh “wise and all knowing” craig would be spewing forth his “pearls” of “wisdom”. Ugh. Kellie already has a wellness coach that will help her to fix in her life what she needs to get fixed. She doesn’t need you to tell her what she should and shouldn’t do. Get a FREAKING life, Craig.

  14. Leave Craig alone. I think he has some really good insights. Alittle strange but who isn’t.

  15. Kellie-

    *Knowing* you are blessed is a beutiful thing. In fact, I think it makes you even more blessed knowing how truly lucky you are, BUT that does not take away from the fact that you have lost, too.

    You have to grieve over that even if you are aware your blessings, right?

    Anyway – I am glad you are getting over your funk (or depression), and of course you will still be interesting! I, for one, like FREAKING happy Kellie. (Sorry… I couldn’t resist upsetting the “FREAKING” police.)

  16. I love you so much Kellie Rasberry!

    Dora… KNOCK IT OFF!!!

    He’s just putting in his opinion like you and everyone else on here!

    Cool down, do some laps, then come back with your nice face on. We don’t need such negativity!

  17. doooora…did the women who help found this country need wellness coaches???…the mere fact that the position of “wellness coach” even exists is a sad commentary on our society…a sad commentary on how women have become victims to the madison avenue trap…that the only relief comes through the form of a pill or costly psycho babble…seems to me since you can not argue the logic and soundness of my pearls O wisdom, you prefer to attack on a personal level…maybe you need a sensitivity coach.

  18. these should be olympic sanctioned games:
    http://www.backtobasicstoys.com/item/productid/5763
    http://www.backtobasicstoys.com/item/productid/3066

  19. craig doesn’t have insights, he’s an ignorant chauvonist who thinks he’s so much better than everyone else. A wellness coach isn’t a bad thing, some people just need a little bit of help to get their life straight. And a prescription for a pill that battles depression isn’t bad either. The reason we didn’t have options like these back in the day is because we didn’t know about it. it doesn’t make our society sad and pitiful. It makes you sad and pitiful for being so against something just because it doesn’t work for you.

  20. I love reading all of these FREAKING post. They make me laugh and put a smile on my face.

    Have a FREAKING great day and keep up the post!

  21. dora…judging from your comments…thinking for oneself does not agree for you…happiness is derived from a decision…not a prescription…using your line of logic…the statistics on drug & alcohol abuse/ divorce rates/ child abuse & molestation and many of the social ills that plague this once great country can all be cured with a prescription pill and a warm and fuzzy feeling statements…WRONG…not even God promises a bump free life…and correct me if i am wrong…those folks who did not know about saddness and depression…well they won freedom from england…freed europe…TWICE…my $$$ is on them.

  22. sugar…people use the “freaking” because the fcc will fine us if we use the word “f*cking”

  23. Craig, you should probably take a class or read a book or something. There is a proven condition that exists where your endorphin level is extremely low. that’s what is called chemical depression. Thats when you need to take a pill. Then there are the people who just never learned to cope with a great amount of stress at once. The only way to help with that kind of depression is to go to someone who is well educated, and can help you to learn to cope. Sometimes making a decision to be happy isn’t enough. Sometimes people need a little extra help. I’m not saying all problems will be solved with a pill or a pyschologist, I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with using that route of help. The world will always have problems. God didn’t promise an easy life, but if there was something really wrong about taking a pill to help, or to talk to someone who is a liscenced professional to help, then why did God give us the intelligence and cleverness to learn and create these solutions? I’m just saying.

  24. oh yea, FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING!!!

  25. Craig your FREAKING rock!! I do wish Dora would leave you alone though.

    Have a FREAKING great day!!!

  26. Kellie,
    How FREAKING exciting about the 4 lbs, thats so awesome for only one day on the diet. Even though you are already a twig and really don’t need to loose any weight. I’d FREAKING kill for your body 🙂

  27. Kellie…for the love of ALL that which is Holy…use caution and stay away from rapid weight loss…if you are using unhealthy means, your body will begin to get the proteins it needs by attacking your organs as a source of nutrients…your daughter is like a sponge…she is absorbing these values and anxieties.


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