delicious word of the day — “sassafras”

January 28, 2008 at 3:50 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 24 Comments

I feel like I did a lot this weekend, but then again, I don’t. It sort of went by in a bit of a blur.

 Friday night I was supposed to meet some girlfriends for martinis, but it was looking like everybody bailed on me at the last minute. I am afraid I have never been able to go into a fine establishment by myself and hang out for the evening. I have to be a party of two of more. I HAVE TO. So when it was looking like I was going to be sitting on a barstool alone, I freaked and started calling everyone I thought might have absolutely nothing better to do than drop everything and meet me in less than 10 minutes. That didn’t go so well, but fortunately after an excruciating 30 minutes, my friends did show up. They were two martinis behind me, but they showed up. The place was pretty dead that night, but I ended up having a wonderful time catching up with girlfriends. We ate and drank and told bad jokes and laughed and it was good.

The next day, I woke with a bit of a headache, but Emma Kelly didn’t care one bit about that. So I was up at the crack of dawn playing with puzzles and watching Elmo’s World and reading books until it was time for me to go to that Super Foods class. Every woman there had a different reason for being there, and we all had to go around the room and tell what that was. There was a woman there with no energy. There was another who developed digestive issues. There was another suffering from allergies. There was another who couldn’t sleep. And here comes my turn…and yes, I told the truth. They swear they can help me, so I laid out my cash for goodness knows what! I’ve got bags of hemp seed and seaweed and incan berries I’m supposed to eat. I’ve got powders and pills I’m supposed to swallow. And the woman teaching the class is completely off dairy and she does that whole Raw Food diet where she can’t heat anything over like 130 degrees or something like that. But that’s beside the point. I bought a freaking bag of seaweed and I’m supposed to grow to love it and crave it like candy! Seriously? But hey, if it works, it works. I’m going to give it a good try because I just found out that I’m going to be wearing a bathing suit in front of my co-workers in less than a week. I don’t know if chomping on hemp seeds and seaweed is going to get me in bikini shape, but polishing off that bag of cheese curls like I did the day before I found out about going to the beach with my fellow workers surely wasn’t going to do the trick.

Anyway, after lugging home my bag of health, I had to get ready for Van Halen. I decided to just go for it and wear the naughty outfit J-Si had picked for me. I tried it with a couple of bras and it just didn’t work. It was braless or not at all. I figured if there was ever a time to go braless and have that be completely acceptable, it would be at a Van Halen concert. I cannot tell you how awkward and uncomfortable I was the entire time I wore that shirt. I kept hearing the “nasty boobies” comment from that hateful listener ringing in my ears and I don’t think I was the least bit paranoid — men were looking at that big expanse of skin. And who could blame them?? I might as well have had a “For Hire” sign dangling from my neck! I tried to play if off like, “I dress like this ALL the time.” But it was no use, I was miserable. I kept my coat on 90 percent of the time. It was just embarrassing. But let me just say this — David Lee Roth has the most amazing body and he is what — 50 something??? I couldn’t believe it! Rock hard abs and those cute little thingies on the side of his waist. What are those? Obliques? I don’t know. But wow.

And no, despite the hoochie wear at a Van Halen concert, nobody approached me. Nobody flirted. And except for the occasional glance at my business up front, no attention whatsoever. I don’t really think that was the right place to meet a single man anyway. I swear, the majority of the men there were traveling in herds. They all left their wives at home so they could go to a rock concert and play their air guitars and throw their rock hands up in the air without their wives glaring at them in embarrassment.

 Sunday I went to the movies by myself again to punctuate the fact that I’m gloriously alone, and then I went to the gym to work off the bag of cheese curls from two days ago. After that, J-Si came over to throw away something from my closet and then I enjoyed a dinner of tuna, brussels sprouts and hemp seeds. And that, my friends, is how you wrap up a weekend.

XO
Kellie

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  1. …. im still laughing…about the hemp….One thing I can say about you Kellie, you will try just about anything… at least once…I do admire your “keep going” attitude…by the way.. did you ever get a message back from the guy you met last weekend?

  2. hemp seeds???…maybe you can grow your own jeans!!!…just a suggestion from a viking…forget meeting a “man” at the bar…there is a greater chance of monkeys flying out yer wazzoo than meeting your “soul” mate there…when i go to a bar, the women all want to know what size my viking hammer is…just for once, i would like them to see whats on the inside of this stoic viking.

  3. Kellie…i do not know what kind of advice you are paying for…but the long & short of it is, learn to like yourself…thank GOD that you are not in a loveless marriage like half the bloody population…your value as a woman is not dictated by your marital status…you want a man???…learn to love who you are…play hard to get…make him work for your love…simply put…is this the example you want to impress on your daughter?!?…you have much to offer…but until you can see that, you will continue this cycle of endless futility.

  4. seaweed as candy???…i do not know whose bathroom is going to smell worse…yours or Big Al’s methane factory.

  5. Hemp Trivia
    Taken from the Hempola Trivia Trail
    Did you know, it is estimated that hemp has approximately 25,000 uses? From food, paint and fuel to clothing and construction materials, hemp is used. There are even hemp fibres in your Red Rose® and Lipton® tea bags. And several cars made today contain hemp.

    The oldest relic of human industry is a piece of hemp fabric (canvas) found in ancient Mesopotamia dating back to approximately 8000 B.C. The oldest surviving piece of paper was made over 2000 years ago in China and was also made from hemp fibre. In 2500 B.C. the pharaohs used hemp in the construction of the great pyramids.

    Hemp was so important in England in the 16th century that King Henry VIII passed a law in 1553 which fined farmers who failed to grow at least one quarter acre of hemp for every 60 acres of arable land they owned. There was even a time in history for over 200 years when you could pay your taxes in America with hemp. In 1850 there were more than 8,300 hemp farms in the United States.

    Every 3.6 seconds someone in the world dies of hunger. Hemp seeds are the most nutritious and economical solution to end world hunger. With an 80 percent concentration of “good fats” our bodies need for good health maintenance and protein with all eight amino acids plus optimum dietary fibre, hemp truly is a “perfect balance” food source.

    The first diesel engine was designed to run on vegetable oils, one of which was hemp oil. In the 1930s Henry Ford produced an automobile composed of 70 percent hemp plastic which also ran on hemp based fuel and oil. In 2001 the “Hempcar” circled the North American continent powered by hemp oil.

    The paintings of Rembrandt (1606- 1669), Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890) and Thomas Gainsborough (1727- 1788) were painted primarily on hemp canvas, often with hemp oil based paint. Over 50 percent of all chemical pesticides sprayed are used in the cultivation of cotton. Hemp is eight times stronger than cotton and more air-permeable. Hemp can grow vigorously (up to 16 feet) in 100 days without the use of harmful pesticides and herbicides… healthier for your skin and the environment.

    One acre of hemp can produce as much raw fibre as 4.1 acres of trees. Pulping hemp for paper would produce a strong paper that lasts incredibly long and doesn’t yellow with age. Also, using hemp as a raw source for paper would eliminate the need to cut down our dwindling old-growth forests which contribute to climate control and clean the air we breathe.

  6. Good G*D man!
    Will you freaking stop posting! Have you nothing better to do. Wow!

  7. I’m taking seaweed pills and I’ve lost 11 pounds so far. Some how it takes away cravings. I’m eating 1600 calories a day and this is helping me stick with it.

  8. O.K. KELLIE. I’M LISTENING TO YOU THIS MORNING AND I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL THAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH TO FEEL BETTER WHEN YOUR ANSWER IS WITH MONAVIE. I KNOW YOU THINK IT’S A BIG JOKE, BUT IT IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR BODY. I WISH YOU WOULD CONTACT ME SO I COULD EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. I HEARD YOU MENTION THE SHRIMP ON THE LABLE. THERE IS NO “SHRIMP JUICE” IN IT. THE GLUCOSAMINE IN THE JUICE COMES FROM THE SHELL OF A SHRIMP. PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE AL UP ON HIS OFFER TO GIVE YOU A BOTTLE. A BOTTLE WILL LAST YOU A WEEK AND YOU MIGHT FEEL A DIFFERENCE BY THEN, BUT AFTER A MONTH YOU SHOULD REALLY NOTICE THAT YOU’RE FEELING BETTER. PLEASE DON’T TRY AND MAKE THIS JUICE MORE THAN IT IS. ALL IT IS IS 19 ALL NATURAL FRUITS COMBINED TO GIVE YOUR BODY WHAT IT NEEDS AND IS LACKING. EVERY 2 OUNCES IS EQUIVELENT TO 3 1/2 SERVINGS OF FRUIT.
    SORRY, I JUST FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO DEFEND THIS PRODUCT AND TRY TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO AT LEAST GIVE IT A CHANCE.

  9. You’d have more credibility if you didn’t type in ALL CAPS!

  10. patty…i think hemp needs to be defended.

  11. How did Eddie look? I used to just LOVE the man, but he kinda gives me the willies now.

    Good luck choking down the seaweed.

  12. Kellie,
    I know you said you have tried Match.com before, but I really think you should try eHarmony! My mom just got remarried to a man she met on eHarmony, and a couple years ago she suggested I try it too. After being in a few horrible relationships with guys I met in a bar, I decided to finally try it even though I was skeptical. It turned out to be the best thing, because the first guy I met from eHarmony is now my fiance! I also told my best friend to try it, and now she is living with her boyfriend who she met on eHarmony. I know it’s hard to be one of those people who have to look for love online, but you will meet men who actually WANT to be in a serious relationship, and you will meet men you would have probably never met before. Dating guys you meet in bars is never a good idea!

    Just give it a try!

    I always look forward to your blogs, keep up the good work! 🙂

  13. Kelly, I’m so with you about HAVING to be with someone when you go to a resteraunt, I hate it, even if I’m meeting someone there, and I’m the first one? I just feel so awkward. I also am right there with ya about not wearing a bra with something. I just feel so….nekked…anyway, I just wanted to tell you you’re not the only one who feels awkward by yourself or bra-less. Hope you start pooping regularly soon!

  14. lol..I accidently ended my first sentence with a question mark. It’s almost like I’m a blonde. ha ha, well, I meant to end it with a period, not a q-mark. I’m just sayin.

  15. what happened to the mommy test? you guys were doing it for awhile and now its gone. Yall should bring it back it made me laugh very hard!!

    Sara (Chas. SC)

  16. Kelly,

    I think you are awesome! Keep up the good work on the show- you are funny, and someone that is easy to relate to and sympathize with!

    Has Emma Kelly started walking yet? I think it is time for a new update on her!

    Have a wonderful week!

  17. Craig X 5. Get a life please!

  18. Try the Uplunge bra. It has a deep plunge for shirts like J-Si’s. You can be safe and buy it online at Nordstrom or you can be naughty you can buy the same bra at Fredrick’s. Take your pick.

  19. Craig I agree with you when you said,”your value as a woman is not dictated by your marital status…you want a man???…learn to love who you are…play hard to get…make him work for your love…simply put…is this the example you want to impress on your daughter?!?…you have much to offer…but until you can see that, you will continue this cycle of endless futility.”
    Good advice….

  20. Seaweed probably takes the cravings away because I can imagine feeling too sick to want anything else to eat! Yuk! But whatever works I guess.

  21. Seaweed, hemp, poop, knitting – you name it – no topic is left untouched!

  22. Ever tried a Vitamin B Complex pill? Did wonders to loosen me up! Love you and the show!

  23. you want to poop???…add fiber to your diet…oats…grains…roughage…leafy green vegetables…eat a balanced diet…sorry to say…but i suspect you thinned down using methods which will cause such abnormal side effects.

  24. only 23 posts???…wtf???…you call yourselves KR fans???…you do know Kellies year end bonus is directly linked to how many replies and clicks she receives…i can not begin to tell you just how disappointed i am in ya’all.


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